When my editor asked me to write a period piece for this week's Satireday, I was quite perplexed. After all, it is common knowledge that periods have been cancelled, and emojis now mark the end of sentences (¬‿¬)
My editor's a boomer, and he likes historical content. He wants me to talk about this other period that women used to experience, one where they would bleed out of their genitals, experience debilitating pain paired with mood swings that almost made it seem like the world was ending. Some would have to drop out of school, spend their days in isolation even at home because periods were too much of a taboo to even be discussed among family members. They would fall behind at work because no organisation took their pain seriously.
"It'll pass," my friend's boss told her, "We're working on legislation to cancel periods. It'll be fine," he said when she asked for a leave, on a day when her cramps were so bad, she could barely walk.
"If you want to normalise periods so bad then why not normalise shitting, huh?" one Md Shaheen commented on a MyTube video. His opinion matched the general consensus, of course. "Pro-period??? What's next, pro-farting? Pro-choice? Or worse, pro-consent? It is baffling that people can post such offensive content on the internet," said Abul Baten, who is totally not a snowflake.
Ultimately, MyTube gave in. "To be honest, we like being liked. We want Md Shaheen and Abul Baten and the millions of others who hate reproductive rights to like us. I feel like we've gotten some brownie points, we tried being woke, but it's not working out," said a MyTube spokesperson, "So we're deleting all periods, starting now"
"It's a win for feminism, if you ask me," said Basindhara University student Yakub Ali. "It was called menstruation, not womenstruation, haha," added Yakub, a comedy king.
"Women were sinning," said a popular motivational speaker who delivers speeches every weekend to large masses in hats, "Now they will sin in private. Secretly, just as we do."
You may wonder if this move has helped women. "I thought we were making strides in normalising menstruation but I guess nothing will change. Just have to pretend to be fine even when the pain makes me want to separate my legs and torso," said Farida Khan (not her real name), who was clearly not fine. "My boss better not find out I've been speaking to fake journalists about fake bodily functions," she added.
Until the anti-period legislation is formally passed, let this period piece remind you of this cycle women have been riding since the dawn of time. Some have a perfectly functioning one while some have irregular rhythm. It causes pain in your mind and even in your butt, but not anymore; cause in the patriarchy, periods didn't make the cut >:(
This article sponsored by Hare & Lively, which conscientiously promotes women jumping the ladder at the workplace. If they can. But they really promote hares, who can really jump.