Not the salami you want but the one you deserve | The Daily Star
12:00 AM, June 14, 2018 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, June 14, 2018

Not the salami you want but the one you deserve

The art of salami is one that has been passed down through many generations, spanning multiple civilisations. Many believe that several depictions in cave drawings actually refer to their tradition of giving salami. Salami has been here ever since we can remember. And salami will be here for the near future to come as well. However, this age-old art that transcends eras has come to a standstill in modern times. There is no innovation to salamis anymore. Kids come in and adults reluctantly give them some 500 taka notes (or 100 taka depending on how stingy your relatives are). And in this modern era of EDM music and contemporary poetry, something without innovation just won't do. So here is an alternative salami guide to inspire a new age of salami giving.

POKÉMON CARDS

Salami is a token of love. And ever since childhood, love has been synonymous to Pokémon. So why not just give that to the eager salami enthusiast? The best part about this is the amount of variety you have in your hand. Do you give them the overpowered Mewtwo card or the classic holo Pikachu card? There are so many options for you to think about. As for the person on the receiving end, they can trade that Pokémon card they got as salami with someone else and build his own deck. Your gift of Pokémon card will help them be the best like no one ever was. And we think that's beautiful.

 

DISCOUNT CODES

The greatest hassle every citizen in Dhaka has to go through is getting to places through this traffic jam ridden city. After the advent of ride sharing services, life has come to a comparative ease. However, the cost of the rides can often get out of the affordable range for students who need to commute distances far away from their abodes. So what better salami can you give individuals who commute on a regular basis than the promotional codes that you receive? This way, through every painstakingly long commute, it's you who will be on their young and impressionable minds. You'll definitely be the coolest salami giver on the block with this one.

GEMS AND IN-GAME CREDITS

You know how kids are these days, either they are in an existential crisis or on their phones or both. It's not surprising. Smartphones provide countless apps to pass the time. Unlike games of the past, these freemium games would rather have you pay to be better than have actual skills. So why not give the young one in front of you some gems or in-game credits for them to spend on their game? This way whenever they shoot some balls in 8 Ball Pool or raid innocent villages in Clash of Clans, they'll be thinking of you. Times are changing, might as well accept it.

 

SCRATCH CARDS

Just think about this for a second. Eid means calling relatives and getting text messages from people who like the formality of wishing others on Eid. Keeping good gestures and niceness aside, this means it will cost you money to text or call all those friends and relatives back. What better time to give recharge cards as salami? The best part about this form of salami is not only is it utilitarian but you can also be inventive with it breaking down a hundred-taka card down into five twenty taka recharge cards and make it look like you're extremely generous. The kids will definitely go nuts. Moreover, you can also collect those random scratch card prize lotteries that shopping malls have and give them away as salami. Let luck decide their fates.

FREE FOOD OFFERS

Who doesn't love free food? There's an unfathomable joy in being able to dive into food that you don't have to pay for. And you can provide that joy by taking your favourite nephew or niece out for a free meal or coffee. If you're a regular customer they provide you with a punch card where after a number of purchases, you receive a coffee or a meal on the house! So if you're the owner of such a card, why not treat the person to a nice meal which even you don't have to pay for? Who's the favourite khala/chacha/mama now? You, that's who.

 

MONOPOLY MONEY

The famous economist John Maynard Keynes once said, “In the long run, we are all dead”. And it couldn't have been truer. While Eid is the least appropriate occasion to think about the existential conundrum, it doesn't make it untrue. Nothing matters. So why not teach this valuable lesson to the salami expectant crowd by giving them Monopoly money? When they tell you that it's worthless, remind them that so is real money in the grand scheme of things and that floating currency does not have any value if we don't believe in it. Put a reassuring hand on their shoulders and talk to them about the futility of social constructs. In this way, they will take away a valuable philosophical lesson, if not any actual money.

ONLINE SUBSCRIPTION

This one's a cult classic. Having a video on-demand subscription is a gift of modern age. I mean great streaming quality, being able to watch latest episodes of your favourite TV series before all your friends — what can beat that? But how do you turn this into a form of salami? It's simple, get a family subscription for yourself and give the kid an account.

 

AN ACTUAL SALAMI

Since we're talking about all these variations for salami, why not give actual salami as your salami? After a month of fasting they could do with some meat. A slice of salami is also conveniently cut for hand distribution. With a salami like that, you're giving them something of no mere monetary value. You're giving them a smile and that's priceless.

It's time to let go of the old ways and welcome the newest trends. Gone are the days where we give out a mere piece of paper that has social value which imbues kids with materialism. It's time to bring joy and surprise back on the block. On that note, we wish you an advanced Eid Mubarak!

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