Makeup tips for horrible people | The Daily Star
12:00 AM, October 11, 2018 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, October 11, 2018

Makeup tips for horrible people

Makeup is ubiquitous and comes in many varieties, just like human beings. Unfortunately, what is not common and doesn't exist are makeup tips specifically for horrible people. So I decided to write some.

This won't be like ||Superwoman||'s Inner Beauty Makeup Tutorial because we know you're shallow and only care about the surface.

You will of course have to wash your face first because with all the dirt you've gathered on every living or dead person, some of it might've made its way onto your face. Start by applying primer for even application of makeup and probably one that is illuminating so you hold your children to the same standards you hold your neighbours' children to. The foundation should be shades lighter than your real skin colour because people should know that you take fairness cream advertisements very seriously and don't find any skin shade less than the one at the very extreme end of the fairness scale acceptable. You can also try making your skin look dewy as it might be symbolic of all the tears children and even some adults have shed when they had the misfortune of meeting you. It may be in your favour to add a bit of bronzer because though brown looks dirty to you, it may add a semblance of warmth, because in terms of character, you completely lack it.

Moving on to your eyes – the windows to your soul. Since that is a really dark and scary space, we suggest that you put a bright shiny concealer underneath your eyes and add plenty of highlighter so people stay distracted and don't make the mistake of peering into that abyss you call your soul. For eyeshadow, put a dash of whatever Komolika usually puts on her eyes, because admit it, she is your idol. As for putting on eyeliner, make it as narrow as your mentality and as rigid as your views. It is also advised that you try to make your eyes look bigger because you don't want to scare people while you are squinting and judging them. Obviously don't lay it on too thick on your eyebrows because it's exhausting to see you constantly try to flatter people you can mooch off of. Remember to make them pointy and scary like that of Maleficent's eyebrows because that will suit you.

Since you love meddling in other people's business, make sure to contour your nose such that it appears thinner than it really is so you can sneak up on people and stick your nose into matters that have nothing to do with you and would be better off without your interference.

Now for lips, the part of your face that aids you in spewing all kinds of nonsense. I recommend that you use lipstick shades that reveal how people genuinely feel about you, such as Ruby Boo, Yuck Yuck, Pink Prick, Vampy Auntie, Blinding Red Rage, Lifeless Grey, Shadybug, and Gossip Monster. Lipsticks from companies like Nobody's Hero and Lifesucker work great too. Oh and don't forget to put lipliner all around your lips so you remember to not cross some boundaries.

Of course, there is no compulsion to follow these rules because I believe that every person should express their horrendousness in whatever way they wish. Also, what are the chances of a horrible person actually admitting they are horrible?

 

Matilda likes to pretend she is invisible and inconspicuous. Tell her you can read right through her at matilda.tilda1234@gmail.com

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