Should You Share That? | The Daily Star
12:00 AM, June 07, 2018 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, June 07, 2018

Should You Share That?

It is 2018, and mankind has collectively done so many incredible things. People have been sent to the moon, copystriked others for money, made songs about how giving and humble they are. While humanity continues to push the boundaries of what is possible, some people still struggle with some simple acts. Like deciding what to and what not to share on your social media accounts.

 

TICKING TIME BOMBS

Yes, these are the infamous timed posts. Oh, what's that? They're not actually timed? Then what reason could people possibly have for sharing them? You're bound to come across at least a few people sharing such posts on a day to day basis. I've seen superstition, but you must have an imagination more active than Asimov's if you believe sharing posts of Bassbook™ affects your day to day life in the least. Let me burst some all-too-common bubbles. The “Share in 10 minutes to not fail in school” post will not convert a failed course to an A+. Trust me, I've tried. Neither will “Share in seven days or else a long-haired girl will crawl out of the television screen” videos cause you bodily harm. Although I'd share them, just to be safe. You can never be too sure.

 

WHAT DO THE STARS THINK

The title is misleading, because of course, Beyonce has many well-informed opinions about your social life. What I'm really referring to are horoscopes. These bits of text badly pasted onto a picture of your star sign are definitely the best place to predict your future. The extremely generalised prophesies are always accurate. Almost too accurate. It's almost as if “You are stubborn but can look at other courses of action if given enough time”or “You are lazy but can work very hard when you need to” aren't traits that are specific to just Tauruses. Imagine that, because the people in our friend-lists definitely haven't. Sharing horoscopes is a weekly notice to the world that you have failed the Internet. Or a call to arms for your fellow astrologers. One or the other, definitely.

 

FAKE NEWS

No, I'm not wearing a MAGA cap while trying to wall myself into my closet. This section is a call-out to all the wonderfully accurate posts whose titles include “Omg”, “You won't believe this” or “Jene nin kibhabe”. These are just mistakes, all of them. These are the Venus flytraps of the Internet, almost like how there are five incorrect download buttons beside every download link. It's a more effective way to test for robots than checking the “I'm not a robot” box. No robot or AI hivemind would be dumb enough to believe these posts hold a sliver of truth. Sometimes the URLs will include numbers like 365 or 24/7 to prove just how legitimate they are. To be honest, you'd have better luck being “legit” by pasting a Ferrari logo on a Toyota and calling it a Mercedes-Benz.

 

BABY PICTURES

You've procreated. We get it. The whole world gets it. Even your child, now only a few months old, understands this. However, that act is not a good enough reason to spam your social media accounts with pictures, videos and posts dedicated to this one carbon-based life form. If you spammed pictures of your pets, I could get behind that. They are more intelligent and cute than the small mounds of crying flesh, anyways. Another problem is that your baby is not significantly different from many others like it. So as entertaining as you might find their particularly loud crying session, or their ability to hold their toys, people have seen it all. The babies may be different, but they all do the same thing. Most importantly, however, think of your baby. Imagine that they grow up and one day, find their parent sharing a Bassbook memory featuring one ugly baby wearing no clothes and puking everywhere. I doubt they'd be overjoyed. You're setting yourself up for a lawsuit, and familial legal battles take a toll. Think of the attorney fees, if nothing else.

: )

This one goes out to all the angsty teenagers, who are so sure the world is out to get them. A pre-requisite for this is an obsessive compulsion toward Green Day and thinking The Joker is the woke-est person in the world. The only thing you hate more than the world is flowers in springtime. You have experienced so much loss and other four-panelled memes that you cannot take it anymore. To bear the sorrow, you share statuses that will make the world think that you've been mugged five times in the same alley. Or that you're a Liverpool fan, whichever causes more emotional trauma. In any case, your statuses are vague but centred around the theme of “Nobody knows the things I've been through”. Word from the wise, that is how you resolve problems and get people to like you, at the same time. Just turn the passive aggressiveness up to ten and stay there. Forever.

These are some of the many times you should ask yourself whether sharing that is the smartest decision. I'm not telling you what to do, all I want is for you to ask yourself this question. That ends Psychology 101, introspection for dummies. Class dismissed.

 

With a heart of trash and a PC of potato, Wasique Hasan could use some help. Send help: facebook.com/hasique.wasan

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