Look here, women. Your entire life you have been told to be your real self and love will find you. You've been told that you are perfect as you are. You've been told nothing but lies. Only someone who actually cares about you, like me, will give you the real truth. I know how much you have been struggling to get noticed by that man of your dreams. Your every thought, every action, is devoted to getting his attention, but somehow you haven't succeeded. I would say it's not your fault, but it actually is.
What you really need to do is change everything about yourself to become his ideal woman, and I'm here to help you by telling you what he wants.
Men want someone to whom they can explain things
You might think he will be impressed with your knowledge on diverse topics, but what he really wants is to teach you everything. So be as stupid as you possibly can. Ask him how every little thing works, from the sink to the television. And of course never correct him if he gets things wrong. His word is the only reality as far as you're concerned. If he thinks the television runs with tiny two dimensional people trapped inside for eternity, then that is what you shall believe. You chose this man, stand by him!
If everything else fails because you have been cursed with above average intelligence, there's always the last resort – pretence. Start with getting rid of anything around you that might give him the idea that you could possibly be smart: books, laptops, any phone that isn't an iPhone, even glasses. You could wear contacts, but if you really want him then you won't. Everyone knows men love helping out the clumsy girl, and the less you see, the more you'll fall. After a few weeks of hitting your head on stuff, you'll notice it gets easier to pretend to be stupid when you really can't catch what's happening around you. It's a win-win.
Men want someone with a perfect body
Men care very strongly about everything related to your body. From the exact shade of nail polish you put on to the precise angle of your eyebrows, they notice every detail. Fortunately, fashion magazines have got you covered here. They are the only ones, discounting me, who are honest about what's wrong with you. Everyone else is just sugar-coating things, and sugar is your worst enemy. Follow all magazine prescribed diets. Better yet, double down by following multiple suggested diets simultaneously. One says only fats, the other says only proteins? Eat nothing but spinach! This way you will stay low on energy too, all the better for keeping that head nice and empty.
Also, buy and use every product they recommend. You might not be inclined to trust them, but beauty brand sponsored magazines really do have your best interests at heart.
Men want someone who is mysterious
For millennia men have been programmed to expect ambiguous signals from women, so much so that if you give them direct communication they really don't know what to do with it. Consequently, you must attain an unpredictable persona. Don't ever say what you mean. Communicate with him in a contradictory manner. Say one thing today and another the next, while denying ever having said the first. Take this to the point where he begins questioning his own sanity. Men can't handle sanity anyway. Just tell a man that you realised you were wrong about something, and you'll witness him spiralling into an abyss of utter confusion. It's really much kinder to just never acknowledge your mistakes and emotionally manipulate him into agreeing with you on everything.
Men want someone who only cares about them
Everyone knows that men are clueless. To show them you care, you need to make it crystal clear. Flood your social media with couple posts. Put up huge affectionate essays on his wall every day. Let the world know every detail of your love-life, because that's how your man will know you appreciate the little things he does for you.
To prove to him that he's the only thing on your mind, you need to stalk him all day. Demand that he keeps his location on at all times for you to track where he is. Tell him to text you every fifteen minutes. Men also love their partner being jealous about them. It reassures them of your commitment. Take his phone from him at the end of each day and read all his messages. Demand to know all the passwords to his various accounts and then delete random people who you know are not good for him from his profile. Do this last task without his knowledge. When he finally notices he will love you even more for silently caring about him and not even trying to take any credit for it.
Men want someone who is dazzled by their wealth
Men only work to be able to fulfil your materialistic desires. It is your duty to maximise their opportunities to amaze you with their wealth. Never insult them by offering to pay for anything. Drag them to expensive restaurants and blatantly ignore the existence of the bill. All men are martyrs at heart. If they say they are unsure of whether they can afford that expensive vacation, it just means they want you to ask for it harder. Constantly keep whining for it, especially at times when you notice he is busy with something. Make it seem like your relationship depends on it. How big of a deal you make it out to be will directly affect how satisfied he is when he takes you there. And again, don't offer to bear any expenses yourself even if you have the money for it. Don't be selfish. The point isn't to go on a vacation, the point is to give your loving man opportunities to show the extent of his adoration.
Once you've perfected this technique you'll realise it applies to things beyond money too. You'll find yourself selflessly waiting to allow your man the chance to open doors and pull chairs for you. If you can't make him feel like a knight in shining armour, why would he ever choose you?
After all this there will be people who will tell you that not all men want the same things. Will you be naive enough to fall for their lies again? Or will you trust this absolute stranger who is definitely being more honest with you than all your friends and family? It's your choice, but don't forget that following their advice so far has gotten you nowhere closer to being with the man of your dreams.
Her Majesty, Ms. Womun, wouldn't pay me if I didn't write this article, and my girl wants a vacation in Bali soon. Send me advice on managing the women in my life at firstname.lastname@example.org