Cops arrest 11 more burglars | The Daily Star
12:00 AM, September 27, 2019 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, September 27, 2019

Burger Ban

Cops arrest 11 more burglars

International burger chain cracked by Immoral Police Unit

The crackdown against burger joints around the city reached new heights after a chain of burger-peddlers, known as burglars, was finally dismantled.

The drive was part of the nationwide crackdown on all things considered to be vices, including gambling, drugs, free-thinking and illicit image-inducing hotdogs. The newest item under the radar has become burgers.

This is part of the new government’s manifesto where nothing is subjective and whims take precedence over long-term planning. 

A team of Immoral Police Unit of the Dhakaiya Police made the arrests of “international people” in an act that many believe will put an end to the rapid spread of burgers around the city.

“This is a great step for us in our war against all things immoral, which by the way does include burgers, you liberal schmucks,” said Wrecked Halim, the spokesperson for The President Who is Not The Prime Minister, in an impromptu press conference at one of the city’s five-star hotels where apparently all government business is conducted these days.

His comments come following a parliamentary session on the issue. According to Let’s Be Honest Bangladesh, a graft watchdog, during the two-hour long session, only 13 minutes were spent discussing the issue on hand, 42 minutes spent praising the ruler of the country and the remaining time was used for hurling abusive words against a non-existing opposition and then battle-rapping each other.

“Gluttony is a vice,” The President Who Is Not The Prime Minister (Thwot) had said earlier when asked about corruption within the ruling party in a classic evasive act. 

“Don’t think about our corruption only. Think about your own corruption,” said Thwot. When asked why most of the corruption, including the current burglar scandal, all had to do with their party men being involved, Thwot said all of them would be rooted out, except them and their family members. 

Thwot added that most of those caught up in the corruption were actually former members of the opposition. “They jumped ship when we ‘managed’ the election. But they came not out of love for the country or to save their lives, but rather, they are infiltrators.”

The latest arrests, however, have raised more questions than anything else. The burglars, who are Nigerian, Chinese and Malaysians of course, had been running their clandestine operation right in the middle of a police station. How the police were not aware of the burger joint literally next to the commissioner’s desk is something that law enforcers have kept mum about.

“We saw these foreigners next to the commissioner’s desk frying patties and what not. We could smell the something cooking. We raided them twice and took away their buns but we did not know the operation was this widespread,” Baton Shyful, commissioner of Dhakaiya Police said. When asked how they had not spotted the long queue of people outside the station and those carrying away packets of what surely looked like burgers, Baton said he had no comment to make right then as the issue was under investigation.

Meanwhile, the Homies Ministry formed a 1,000 member taskforce to investigate how all this happened under the nose of the incompetent but very morally-upstanding police force. All taskforce members will be paid a retainer and will have to submit a probe report which will never see the light of day.

“The Thwot has asked us to stop these immoral practices. We are trying to stop ourselves too. For instance, we were told not to gamble with money when we can easily gamble with people’s lives,” a member of the taskforce said in the condition of anonymity or because this reporter forgot his name or made this quote up.   

With the latest arrests, at least 568 people have been put behind bars for trading in burgers. Some 44 burglars have died from police gun going off by mistake, also known as an Official Oopsie.

Fortunately all 44 had at least six yaba tablets on them which, of course, made the otherwise extrajudicial killings absolutely legit i.e. protest it on day one or accept it forever.

In other developments, the government also declared that gambling can only take place in the stock market and all criminal activities must be contained within the ruling party structure. The Robin Hood Act was also passed in the latest parliament session, which allows for impunity for crimes, provided the accused does some token social welfare work that the government should ideally do, in order to free the state to focus on more important issues such as how to demonise the Rohingyas.

 

All characters are fictional. Because it is a satire, which is not on the nose but elbows. Uh? 

 

Osama Rahman is a whistleblower and a lawn mower, and he always writes in the third person even though he doesn’t really know what that means.

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