LIVING AS KERMIT
Let's face it, we all try embracing the Dark Side at least twice a day. Maybe even thrice, given the condition of global warming we have going on right now. But what happens when we actually hand ourselves to the darkest side? That's right, we become Kermit - the very green, very convincing frog. For four days, I tried living as my inner Kermit, and experienced evil like never before. Whether you consider this a brainwashing article or an opinion piece, do read ahead to know how Kermit changed me.
Me: I really need to write two essays and study for my science exam.
Also me: Get some sleep. Prioritise yourself, sweetheart.
And so I did. Like the bright little sunshine that I am, I slept for 13 hours and flunked my science exam. I wrote one of the essays from the internet and the other I just did not submit at all. Of course I did not get any scores for either of the two and I might as well have to retake the courses but that's none of my business. I've got my priorities straight and that's what matters.
Me: Don't be a weird human being at this social event.
Also me: Start an argument with a stranger about the necessity of watermelons.
It's almost like I grew Kermit's green skin and put on a black cloak as I walked into the event. Over finger food and fruit punch, I talked about toilet papers, Communism and my bowel movement with a group of strangers. There was no stopping me. By the time desserts arrived, I was on fire arguing with a 70-year old man who just would not admit how beautiful watermelons are and why they are important for survival. I won the argument of course - victory has never tasted so wonderful before. The 70-year old man might have had a heart attack afterwards but who cares?
Me: I've got the money saved, I'm working out and that diet is going pretty well. I got this.
Also me: I deserve to spend all my money on that burger and all those pizzas.
After having 13 slices of pizza at one go, I couldn't feel my tummy anymore. But the juicy pepperoni and the scrumptious cheese felt like firecrackers in my mouth and I wanted more food. So I ordered one giant cheeseburger with patties deep fried in what seemed like really unhealthy oil and batter. It tasted heavenly; I gained two kilograms that week, finished all my money and lost all my motivation to work out. But hey, I still have one of the 13 pizza slices saved in my purse to take a bite from now and then.
Me: It's only normal that the neighbours aren't giving me their Wi-Fi password.
Also me: KILL THE NEIGHBOURS. Or steal their adorable little doggo.
Doggo is mine now. He cries for his previous owners in the middle of the night but I don't care - not unless my neighbours give me their Wi-Fi password.
Listening to my inner Kermit for four days was as pleasant as it sounds. Like me, if you're Satan's second cousin, you'll be in good terms with your inner Kermit from the very beginning. If you're not, you'll learn to cope up with a few bruises on your precious little brain made of foil paper.
But none of that's my business.
Mashiat Lamisa is often seen frowning at the sight of people who dislike poetry and tomatoes. Send her poems and really cool tomato babies at email@example.com