12:00 AM, July 25, 2019 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:06 AM, July 25, 2019


So you’ve done it again and made a mess of things, and your personal affairs are in shambles. Not to worry though, you’ve got this, and with a bit of luck and personal flair things will be back to normal in no time. Just follow this guide, and absorb all the advice that comes your way.


Nothing good ever comes from accepting that you’re in the wrong here. If you borrowed something from your friend and now it’s missing, convince them you never took it at all. Steal your friend’s phone and delete that text exchange that was evidence of your friend giving you the now-missing object. Sell the phone on eBay, use the money to go on a month long vacation, and get some more people mad at you in the process. Go to insane lengths to keep up the act and come up with ridiculous lies to maintain your cover. Remember, the key here is denial and if you give in once, it’s all over.

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Okay, so what if you made a teeny tiny mistake? Remain unapologetic and stay strong, you did nothing wrong anyway. You did what the rational person would’ve done, at least that’s what you should believe. You are your own strongest supporter, and if you don’t have strong conviction that you did absolutely nothing wrong and should be guilt-free, no one’s ever going to buy your rhetoric. But we can’t always be strong, and the guilt will seep in sooner or later – that’s when you’re going to come to the conclusion that yes, maybe you shouldn’t have stolen the phone and you shouldn’t have gone on that vacation, but now that you’ve done it all and there’s no coming back, it’s time to realise that the biggest victim in this story isn’t your phoneless friend, but you! All that anxiety from losing that object must’ve caused you so much grief – just think of all the hair you’ve lost from stress. Your friend’s “lost” phone pales in comparison to your suffering.


Why did you lose your friend’s thing anyway? It’s time to scapegoat someone. Wasn’t Anika taking up all your time that day complaining about her boyfriend? All that whining must’ve distracted you, leading you to lose it. Looking beyond Anika and her failed relationships, didn’t you have a headache at that time? Or the flu? Clearly your friends aren’t looking at your circumstances and realising that your mistakes, as they like to call it, weren’t made by you in a healthy head-space, so you shouldn’t be held accountable for them.


A myopic person would say you are behind all of this. But let’s put on our glasses and see who stands behind us, and it’s none other than Dearest Ma and Pa. See it this way: you wouldn’t be the person you are now, the person who committed all those acts, without your parents. They raised you to be who you are today, and without their upbringing, you wouldn’t be doing all of this anyway. Maybe if they raised you to be a better person, you wouldn’t even be in this mess to begin with, regardless of whether this mess is all your fault. If they fought a little less, or bought you the newest iPhone, or didn’t bug you about your future so much, you’d be in such a better place now, and would be making better decisions. Clearly, this is all their fault.


Even though your parents are annoying and all, they aren’t everything. Remember the glasses you put on? This time, wear even larger ones, for we’re taking a big leap here. Your parents are nothing but a dot in the framework of society, which is what’s really at fault here. We’re all products of a failed system that has raised us to be self-centred and egocentric, and we can’t help it. It’s time to shirk all personal responsibility because society’s to blame here, not us. We can’t help being flawed since what’s made us is flawed itself. You’re just the symptom of a larger problem, and individuals shouldn’t be held accountable for the major failures of such a grand system. Messing up is okay, and we’re okay; nothing is ever our fault, and no misdeed should ever be pinned on one man alone. Now that society bears the blame, you’re free to go! Enjoy a life with no accountability, because we’re all doomed anyway.

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